Welcome back to our series, where we are outlining how to build bridges between people with differences. Last week we discussed the importance of constructing the scaffold of your bridge. This week we will focus on three strategies to build the bridge from each side to meet in the middle.
When we work to meet in the middle, the goal is not necessarily to seek agreement. It is to get to the place where you are able to move from your respective sides to a middle ground centered around understanding. This does not mean we need to make concessions or agree with the other side, but instead to focus on understanding each other.
Stay tuned in as we finish our bridge-building series next week.
Building the Road
Find common ground as individuals, not on issues – Look for areas of commonality that aren’t related to the differences or issues between you. Perhaps you both have kids or a strong work ethic. Make your primary goal to find areas of common ground and then state them explicitly. For example: “It sounds like the work you do is very important to you. The work that I do is very important to me, too.” Finding common ground will help each person start to see each other less as “the other” and more as a collaborator. Finding common ground on the issues that separate you will become important next week. However, before getting into the issues (focusing on common ground or the differences), it is important to start with recognizing the humanity in each other.
Stories and experiences – I once facilitated a conversation about a brewery being put into a family-friendly neighborhood. Two sides emerged. One side claimed the brewery needed to go and the other claimed it was a life saver and should stay. Tensions were high and neighbors were doing and saying things to each other that were not in a very neighborly spirit. Opening a dialogue between these two sides, I asked what life experiences led them to their respective opinions.
Someone from the “brewery should go” side responded that the brewery would create an influx of drunk driving in the neighborhood. It was safety that was important to this person. Someone from the “brewery should stay” side responded that having a brewery in the neighborhood would reduce drunk driving in the neighborhood because the residents could walk to their favorite watering hole. It was safety that was important to this person.
After each side was able to hear that they actually cared about the same things and just had different ideas about how to get there, the neighborliness returned despite their continued disagreement. Focusing on stories and experiences is a humanizing way of understanding what is important to each other and breaking down labels. No longer was the issue between the “brewery stay-ers” and “brewery go-ers.” It was about how to make the neighborhood safe, an issue for which everyone was on the same side.
Paraphrasing – You have probably heard about the benefits of paraphrasing. Whether you agree or disagree, articulating back what you heard from the other person is one of the quickest ways to build a bridge. As long as you are being genuine and the intent is to increase understanding. When you are building your road, try saying the following before you respond to something that has been said.
“I think I am hearing you say (paraphrase). Is that right?”
This lets the other person know you care enough to listen to them and are trying to understand. If you didn’t get it right and they correct you, try again until you do understand what they are saying AND they feel like you understand. Once they feel heard, the likelihood that they will listen and try to understand where you are coming from will increase and before you know it, you will each be moving toward the center of the bridge.
The hardest part about building the road and meeting in the middle is releasing yourself from needing to agree or find a solution. We live in a solution-focused culture and therefore it is challenging for us to be patient and look for solutions last. If you can stay the course and lay your foundation, construct your scaffolding, and then meet in the middle, you will have a bridge strong enough to traverse from one side to the other with ease where solutions will not only be plentiful, but also long lasting.
Tune in next week as we explore our final stage of our bridge-building series: traveling to the other side.
Luke Wiesner is the UC Merced Conflict Resolution Coach , a private resource for staff members who are interested in having a partner to support workplace challenges or conflicts. This service is voluntary, and you can partner with the coach by yourself or with fellow university employees.
