Welcome back to our bridge-building series, where we are outlining how to build bridges between people. Last week we discussed the importance of laying the foundation . This week we will review some strategies to construct the bridge’s scaffolding. When drawing parallels between building concrete bridges and relationship bridges, it is important to recognize that the building and construction of the bridge often needs to come from both sides. Creating the scaffolding focuses on how we can create supportive surroundings that allow us to build from our side of the divide and encourage the other party to start building from their side. Our goal is to start moving toward productive dialogue that can provide the support for each party to start seeing the other as a partner in building the bridge.
Creating The Scaffolding
Acknowledge you have blind spots – Notice I am not suggesting that you name what your blind spots are, just that you have them. If you know some of your blind spots, great! However, it is unlikely we know all of our blind spots. Acknowledging we have blind spots encourages us to be curious about where our beliefs and perspectives come from and the limitations they may have. We may even be open to changing our beliefs and perspectives if new information is presented to us. If we are going to be successful in building a bridge, each party is going to need to build the road from their side to meet in the middle. This most likely requires us to adjust and shift our perspective when appropriate.
Understand your needs and interests – While we may need to adjust our perspective or even make concessions and offer apologies to successfully build a bridge, we also need to understand where we are not willing to compromise. We need to maintain the foundation we are standing on, so our side of the bridge is sturdy enough to weather heavy traffic or a storm. Take some time to sit down and reflect on your needs and interests in the relationship or situation. Try writing down your perspective on the issues that are creating the divide and ask yourself why you have this perspective. What needs, goals, values, hopes or fears are contributing to your perspective? For example, if you feel your supervisor is giving you too much work, your need is to have more time, or you have a hope to not be overly stressed at work. Make a list or your needs and interests and be clear which ones you are prioritizing the most in this relationship.
Avoid problem-solving and start with communicating your interests from an “I” perspective – Rather than try to engage in problem-solving right away, try stating your needs and interests from an ‘I” perspective. In the example above where you need to build a bridge with your supervisor about your workload, rather than saying “You can’t keep giving me more tasks and projects,” which is a proposed solution to the problem, try saying “I am not able to complete the amount of work I am assigned in the hours I have to complete them.” The latter is an interest-based statement from an “I” perspective that illustrates the problem from your perspective. Taking this approach invites the supervisor to participate in the brainstorming and problem-solving with you instead of potentially defending the workload they assigned to you. This helps create the scaffolding for a deeper conversation that may lead to solutions you never considered.
At this point in the bridge-building process, we should have a solid foundation to stand on and the scaffolding in place to start construction of the bridge. Tune in next week as we will focus on building the road to meet in the middle.
