Welcome back to our March series on managing up. If you are just joining us, make sure to go back and read part one on understanding the importance of managing up and part two on understanding your relationship with your supervisor.
This week we will discuss how to get active in your managing up and navigate conversations to support the relationship between you and your supervisor. Making your relationship with your supervisor better isn’t always easy, but it does not have to be a guessing game.
If actively managing up doesn’t feel right to you, either because it doesn’t feel safe or you have already tried to have these conversations with your supervisor, I encourage you to continue reading and see if there is anything that may change that for you. If it doesn’t, next week we will discuss what to do when actively managing up isn’t an option and you are wondering what to do next.
Starting the Conversation
Starting the conversation is an essential part of the process. You want to make sure you are clear about your needs and your communication, that you are not catching your supervisor off guard, and that you frame your conversation in a way that sets up both of you to be successful.
Tip No. 1: Prepare
When we don’t prepare, we are liable to pontificate, lose track of our message or forget important details. This makes it hard for someone else to follow our train of thought and hear what we are attempting to communicate.
Try making a bullet point list of what you want to communicate. You can even draft some ways you might bring those things up. Reading your language out loud to hear what it sounds like. Perhaps you have a friend or family member you can practice with to get feedback. Consider how your supervisor might receive what you have to say. What might be their most extreme reactions and how will you respond? Thinking through different scenarios of how the conversation could go will help you refine your communication and prepare for the unexpected.
Tip No. 2: Make Aware
If preparing is so important for a productive conversation, give your supervisor time to do so as well. This will help them not feel defensive or reactive to the conversation.
Try introducing the conversation slowly. Perhaps you send an email that expresses a desire to discuss your working relationship and how you communicate, with the goal of supporting the work both of you are doing. Another strategy could be to use a multiple meetings technique. In the first meeting, share your hope to connect in a future meeting about your relationship. Ask if they think that would be a good topic to discuss and propose setting a time that gives you both space to consider how the relationship could be most effective.
Tip No. 3: Show Your Care
You wouldn’t be having this conversation if you didn’t care about the relationship at some level. Make sure you frame the conversation with a positive intention, even if it is in response to things not working well for you. Try playing with the following language.
“How you and I work together is important to me. When I feel like we are in sync, I feel more empowered, supported and excited with regard to my work. I have felt a bit off lately and I wanted to open up a conversation with you to discuss how we can support each other more effectively in the work we do.”
Negotiating Needs
Negotiating needs is the heart of this conversation. You have things you need from your supervisor and they have things they may need from you. It is important that you share what is important to you, try to understand what is important to them, and then be open to creative ideas.
Tip No. 1: Share Your Why
Do you have specific ideas of what you would like your supervisor to do differently? Ask yourself why that is to help you get to the heart of the matter. Rather than saying “I think we should meet more regularly,” try saying “It is supportive for me to have more regular access to you to ask questions.”
Sharing your why, rather than your idea/proposal, invites your supervisor to participate in brainstorming options to address your underlying concern or interest. Of course, if your supervisor asks for ideas, share them! But start with your why and invite a conversation on ideas. Sometimes the best and most durable ideas are the ones we haven’t thought of yet.
Tip No. 2: Be Curious
Your supervisor has a perspective in this, too. Be sure to seek understanding on what they need in the relationship and from you.
Try asking how things are working for them. What could you do differently to better support them in their work? If they share ideas and you disagree, stay curious before rejecting an idea. Ask them: “How would your idea make things easier for you?” is a great way to dig deeper into what they are proposing so you can better understand their why and how you might contribute to brainstorming to meet both of your needs.
Tip No. 3: Be Open and Creative
It is important to recognize you only have one side of the story. Be open to learning new information – in fact, want to learn new information. More information will only help you be successful in your relationship with your supervisor, and thus in your work and career.
Don’t hesitate to get creative! If you feel you are at an impasse, try saying, “We clearly both have interest in things working better for each of us, but I feel stuck in determining how to do so. I can see you value _____ and I value _____. Are you open to brainstorming to see if we can accomplish both of these things?”
Now that you have prepared for the conversation, started a dialogue and are sharing your whys and brainstorming, the next step will be to promote durability and success over the long term. Next week we will discuss how to maintain progress and success, as well as what to do if things just aren’t working.
Luke Wiesner is the UC Merced Conflict Resolution Coach , a private resource for staff members who are interested in having a partner to support workplace challenges or conflicts. This service is voluntary, and you can partner with the coach by yourself or with fellow university employees.
