In parts one and two of the Speaking your Truth series, we discussed how to identify and then speak the underlying interest, value, area of importance, priority or need that fuels our ideas, opinions and solutions in our communication. I hope by this point in the series you are starting to see that speaking is easy to do, but being clear about your priorities and values, while being flexible on your ideas and solutions, is not always easy to do in the moment. The same is true for our colleagues, our supervisor, our business partners and customers.
Communication and problem solving is much simpler when we all can identify and articulate the interplay between our truths and our ideas or opinions that stem from these truths. So, how can we help others speak their truth so we have a better understanding of what the root issues are? This post will explore three tips to invite others to share their truth, even if they are not aware of what their truth is.
Tip No.1: What about ______ is important to you?
Imagine your supervisor wants you to generate a report for them twice a month instead of the previous expectation of once a month. Generating a report takes you a few hours to do and you are already overloaded with responsibilities. Your truth in this situation is to ensure you are able to complete all of your job responsibilities without working in the evenings so you can spend time with your family, and running this report twice as much infringes on these priorities.
Rather than blindly accepting or resisting the request from your supervisor to do increased work, you may want to dig deeper to understand what the truth is for your supervisor so you can engage in a productive collaboration. “What about running the report twice a month is important to you?” To which your supervisor responds that they want to be kept up to speed more regularly.
Now you have an opening to play with the middle ground discussed in last week’s post . “Ah, I would be happy to help you stay more in the loop. I also have a lot on my plate, and I am afraid that these reports will impact my other work. Would you be open to discussing how to keep you in a loop in a way that supports my other responsibilities?”
Notice what happens when you put your truth and their truth on the table together. You invite a conversation about a problem you are each on the same side of. No one is taking a side and debating how to move forward. You are framing the situation from a place of collaboration in a non-threatening and open manner.
Tip No. 2: Tell me more
Another way to encourage others to share their underlying truths is to simply ask them to tell you more. Sometimes questions can put people on the defensive, especially questions that start with why, which is the reason we have the question in Tip No. 1 above framed as a what about question. But another approach is to openly invite more sharing and detail.
In the example above, it’s not clear to you where your supervisor’s request is coming from. Try asking for information, being curious and most importantly being genuine in your curiosity. Any invitation to understand more from a place of skepticism or with an ulterior motive can lead to defensiveness. We want to avoid defensiveness as much as possible, because it leads to fixed positions and resistance to collaboration.
Let them be the expert. Even if you think you know better or have a better approach, let them share their expertise and knowledge. You should be on a curiosity mission to understand what is fueling the request for more reports. Engaging in a debate or discussion too early before the truths are on the table can create complications, confusions and frustrations.
Tip No. 3: Acknowledge their truth
This last tip doesn’t necessarily have to do with uncovering their truth, but it is equally important. Once you think the truth has been verbalized, we need to confirm and acknowledge its importance. “Ah. OK, so if I am understanding you right, you want to be kept in the loop more regularly than once a month. Is that right?”
Labeling their truth and asking for confirmation helps you both to clearly understand this is the underlying interest that needs to be prioritized in the conversation. It also lets them know you are listening and attending to what is important to them, which not only will minimize defensiveness but creates rapport for positive collaboration later in the conversation. Always ask for confirmation. If you tell them what their truth is or assume you know what it is, you will inadvertently escalate the conversation or you may be trying to address the wrong underlying interest they are holding. Asking for confirmation creates agreement on what is important and lets them take ownership and have authority over their own interests.
These are just a few tips to help others uncover what is really going on underneath the surface of ideas, opinions, proposed solutions, etc. and also set up a possible collaboration to co-create the middle ground. If I could sum it up in a couple of words, be curious and be respectful.
Next week will be our final post on the Speaking your Truth series. We will explore how to navigate resistance when speaking your truth.
Luke Wiesner is the UC Merced Conflict Resolution Coach , a private resource for staff members who are interested in having a partner to support workplace challenges or conflicts. This service is voluntary, and you can partner with the coach by yourself or with fellow university employees.
