Imagine your supervisor asks you to work the next five weekends to help complete a project that is behind schedule. You share with a friend that your supervisor is being unreasonable because you have previously scheduled family commitments during many of the upcoming weekends. Your friend asks if you told your supervisor your concerns and you say, “They wouldn’t understand.”
Does this sound familiar? Have you ever been in a situation where you have been asked to do something that either didn’t seem reasonable or that conflicted with other needs, but you didn’t share because you didn’t think the other would understand?
A foundational cause to conflict is not being clear about our boundaries. We may work the weekends, as requested, and reschedule the family commitments. But deep down, a resentment starts to develop. A resentment that stemmed not from the others ask, but our lack of being clear with them about our needs and giving them a chance to respond.
From the Playbook: First of all, we all need to reframe two key beliefs. First, our needs are important. Second, others cannot help to meet our needs if we don’t communicate them. Consider the Yes-No-Yes framework offered by Professor William Ury, co-founder of Harvard’s Negotiation Program, in his book A Positive No as a way to constructively set boundaries with others in a collaborative way.
Express your Yes – The first step in a Positive No is identifying what you are saying yes to. In the example above, you may be saying no to working on weekends, but you are saying yes to spending time with your family and honoring your previous commitments. When communicating your yes, keep it simple and clear. “I have already made family commitments for many of these weekends.”
Assert your No – Be clear with the other person about what you are unable to do. It is important to not reject what they are asking, but instead to be clear about you are unable to do. We might feel like we are stepping on the other’s toes by doing this. However, think of it as standing firm. “ I am unable to be in two places at once and cannot work on many of these weekends.”
Propose a Yes – Open the door for a conversation that might lead to mutual satisfaction. Keep in mind that just because you are setting boundaries doesn’t mean you are against each other. This is a great opportunity to show the other person you are committed to their needs while standing firm on your own. “I am able to work two of the upcoming weekends and am committed to the success of this project. Are you open to discussing some ideas on how I can support the project’s success and tend to my family commitments? I have some thoughts I would like to share with you. Is now an okay time?”
How does this boundary-setting message look all together?
“I have already made family commitments for many of these weekends. I am unable to be in two places at once and cannot work on many of these weekends. I am able to work two of the upcoming weekends and am committed to the success of this project. Are you open to discussing some ideas on how I can support the project’s success and tend to my family commitments? I have some thoughts I would like to share with you. Is now an OK time?”
